Since this might explain my inactivity on here I am going to share some personal news. I have not been idle on other platforms but they tend to lend themselves to more impersonal content. So, as the YouTubers say “Let’s get into it”.
On Christmas day a relative (an in-law) called to enquire how we were going to be managing pronouns and a new name for our son (L), as we were due over on Boxing Day. This came as a shock to me to us because son has not asked us for a new name /pronouns. Apparently he is making them known on social media, so younger relatives are aware. It was clear we needed to consider the ramifications of this for both ourselves and our son but this also creates an issue for wider family.
The younger relatives, and perhaps some older ones, are likely to have absorbed the current messaging and, unlike me, won’t see it as a campaign of propaganda. They have a relationship with my son separate from any relationship with me so they may wish to accede to his request. They may be true believers or see it as a polite concession irrespective of belief. I can’t control that.
The decision, I made was to absent myself from the visit, on the grounds that I don’t wish to mandate other people’s speech, re son, but I would be unable to witness it with equanimity. I won’t affirm my son in an identity which has already led to medical harms.For me, calling my gay son a girl feels like the most homophobic thing I could do. It would feel as if I too was telling there was something wrong with him.
This came after another. biological, relative had made casual reference to my son “transitioning” and included an implied judgement on the work I am doing to combat this ideology: all of which I do to save my son from further harm. In this case I decided to suspend all contact until I felt I could rein in my red hot rage. Suffice to say I am not there yet.
Which brings me to all the ripples caused by this ideology, which grooms children, teens and young adults to believe your biological sex is a pick and mix choice and entirely self determined. Once you start asking / demanding that others share your self perception it, inevitably, has real world consequences for other people. If your self worth is dictating by other peoples reaction to your preferred pronouns you are setting yourself up for a life of fragility. I have lost count of the number of hysterical TIkTok meltdowns from blue haired non binaries when people fail to use their ridiculous pronouns.
The good news is that son went to family gathering, everyone called him by his real name, as far as his Dad could tell. He made no demands and was just happy to spend time with his cousins, aunts, uncle and grandparents. He gave effusive thanks for a gift his grandparents had bought him with his full (real) name emblazoned across it. He had rather too good a time judging by the gin and tonics he consumed. When he arrived home we sat up talking and watching his favourite (not mine) real housewives episodes.
When you have kids there’s always a new stage to get to grips with for the first time. This is just an added thing to deal with and there’s even less of a roadmap. Family can help or hinder, in my experience. I think the relative who raised the new name and pronouns got it exactly right. It can’t be easy having to pass on these things.
I will return soon with an update on everything I have been doing whilst I have been silent on here.
Here’s to 2024!
Well done, Tish, for navigating this dilemma so skilfully.
I'm so glad our son grew up before social media took hold, and that we were able to avoid this particular nightmare.
It grieves me that nowadays any signs of a young person not conforming to 'gender' stereotypes are seized upon by the 'trans' cult as evidence of a 'need' to embark on abuse by the medical industrial complex..
I know this pain from a different angle. We've been through a different kind of blitz. The sirens are silent, but deafening.