Not a day goes by where I don’t get some form of abuse for not affirming my son’s belief that he needs drugs and surgeries to be his “authentic self”. I did a whole post on the abuse from the #BeKind crew and it is, predictably, ageist and sexist. Sometimes there are direct threats. The invective often tellls me my “daughter” will kill “herself” and it will all be my fault. Some tell me “she” will cut me off or put me in an old peoples home. I notice they tend to use opposite sex pronouns even though there is often nothing to tell them whether he, himself, has an opposite sex identity. Those ones make me laugh because of the binary thinking which, I thought, was against the “transgender code”. I did a full post on the abuse, which you can read below.
My son doesn’t ask for pronouns, he answers to his birth name and has not asked for it to be changed. He hasn’t, unlike some, demanded we take his pictures down. He has not left home. He gets two buses and a train to go and see his granny and grandpa, now Grandpa has entered his ninetieth year. Neither affirm him and Grandpa takes a religious view on modifying your body via drugs and surgeries. Like me, son is an atheist but he doesn’t scream and shout or cut them off. He knows they find him interesting company and he can help out with some practicalities. He once did a practice run of a meal he planned to cook for them, now Granny is less able, and travelled over two hours with the ingredients to their home. He enjoys listening to Granny’s stories about the past which she is better able to recall. When he gets home he is full of these stories and laughs at Granny’s old sayings. (A social favourite is her Granny’s old habit of expressing frustration, with modernity, with a sigh accompanied.with “Oh, I’m glad I am on my way out and not coming in”. )
I can’t take credit for the way he handles opposing perspectives on his “transition”. We try not to discuss it directly but I have worked hard to show him we can rub along quite well with people while holding opposing views. I like to think that has had some effect but he probably won’t admit it until after I am dead. 😂
So, to the keyboard warriors with nothing better to do than abuse strangers on the internet, you are wasting your time. Son has more disposable income than I do and is well able to leave home, he has not. We spent a delightful afternoon, yesterday, with extended family for Grandpa’s birthday lunch. Nobody batted an eyelid at his flowing red locks, earrings and his perfume. He held court with his cousins and Auntie and no doubt talked music and celebrity gossip. At the other end of the table I talked politics and terfery.
Love Wins. For now. I pray to the Goddess this continues.
Brava to you Tish! This might be a tangent, but I've been using some chiropractic pressure point techniques to relieve stress and deal with (regular old arthritis) chronic pain. I think a program of outside exercise, doing good deeds like your son helping Granny, meditative movement stretching to one's full range of motion and abdominal exercises reconnects mind and body. I know my nephew, now a devoted father, went through an "earrings phase" in college. We never guessed he'd end up taking over his father's business and living a "conventional" lifestyle, married 2 kids, football, children's chorus and attending church services! You are doing the right thing. Come on over to Trans Widow Ute Heggen YouTube channel if you need support, I've got over 1k subs and only excellent comments remain after my inspections! ooxoo, Ute
And speaking of love winning I’m sending lots your way Tish. Re old sayings, I said to someone the other day about ‘turning on a sixpence’ and then thought, crikey, I don’t even remember using sixpences! I remember what they looked like as my dad kept a few which fascinated me when I was little. The oldies are so important in life - what a beautiful thing that he values them so. My son turned 19 recently and hand wrote thank you cards, as I brought him up to do, to those relatives who sent gifts of money or as one of my oldest friends did, a chocolate pizza. I am proud he knows at 19, they could’ve not bothered. I don’t once 18 strikes - it’s weddings and babies only really for me then. My friend has no idea what a screwed up little head he’s got at the moment but I won’t ever forget her sending him a chocolate pizza. The little things are what will hopefully save them. And feeling they are widely love and cared for…. We can just keep giving the love and can only try our best. Bloody exhausting all this mess. Lots of love and hugs to you.